QUORUM DEO

Okay.......so 3 weeks ago, I was blessed with Influenza.......then, just this last weekend, as I was recovered to about 85%, I got sucker punched by the stomach virus (which I lovingly shared with my husband)

I can't remember a time of illness where it was just like a viral machine gun aimed at me........but this morning on my way into work, still a bit queasy.....I was listening to Crossmovement.....and feel as though God has used the illness to re-fix my gaze and refine my heart.
I heard Pastor Sproul preaching the other day on the ministry morning the words "Quorom Deo" which means something to the affect of "the awareness of living the life constantly before the Lord."

That simple hearted desire hit me this morning. I've been hard hearted & defensive, quick to point out circumstances that are 'causing' my hard heart in an effort to stifle my conscience that was pretty seared. You know you're not walking in the light when you are quickly discerning how your spouse should be living and you're not the least bit concerned about your own transgressions before the Lord. Agh.

Praise the Lord - I get some time to focus.......tomorrow afternoon, Lord willing, I leave for Costa Rica with a dear sister in Christ.
10 days away from the cares and concerns and temptation to control (thanks to Eve)
I'm exhausted from that sinful disposition....and I hate it.
Thank God that I have a loving and forgiving husband who doesn't give up on me, but keeps reminding me of the life giving word of God....and how important it is to be meditating on truth.

So, while I'm still adamant in my desire for brothers and sisters in Christ to know and love Jesus for who He really is......KING UNELECTED, and completely Sovereign. (as in, He didn't create the universe and then step back "hoping we'll chose him" but He HIMSELF converts the heart of His sheep that He knew before the foundation of the world)
I have to say that living life in the nitty gritty, day to day - humility in the presence of the Lord.....with a desire to commune with Him in all things -even the mundane.....is of tremendous priority.

Back to the Sovereignty issue.........
I don't want motives to be questioned about my efforts to promote the precious doctrines of grace.........(for those of you who might hear of it, and perhaps who still really dislike the thought that God saves some and leaves others to choose their own demise, because they would never choose Christ if left without grace to believe)
I suggest that when hard times strike....and the tough questions come..........a light and lofty idea of who God is will not work in these circumstances.........and the foundation will be rocked.

In a recent conversation I had with a dear sister who rejects God's Sovereignty over evil in the sense that He ordains evil be FOR GOOD AND HOLY PURPOSES and yet is not the actor of it, so that He cannot contradict His hatred of it. She accepted the doctrine on the level of her human experience, but the thought of God's ordaining evil to be unbiblical.
Which I believe happens with all true believers.....though they might struggle to look ahead at sin and say that God might ordain evil happen to them or through them........it sounds as though a human is blaming God for the evil - but THAT, I would say is blasphemy. The human is still the actor of the wickedness, since they REALLY did choose to do evil rather than good.

The fact that God does not give some humans grace to obey does NOT mean that He is blameworthy for their sin...therefore, arminians need not get "God off the hook" via 'free will' theology.

This sister spoke to me of how she prayed and prayed to honor God in her dealings with unbelievers and of how she failed.....repeatedly.....and I could see her internal battle raging.......how she was beating herself up.
Her conscience bearing witness of her inability to obey God in her "OWN FREE WILL"
Okay, this is a professing believer in Christ Jesus....whom I believe (based on much fruit) to be a true sister in the Lord......especially how her eyes welled up with tears as she spoke of her disappointment in herself to do what she wanted to do to honor God.

Along the lines of my understanding of God's purposes in the universe - in all things.....
I said to her something to the affect of "You know friend, when you pray earnestly for strength to obey, and your hearts desire is bent that way and all that is in you longs to be faithful and you still fail......the Lord is communicating something to you......He's reminding you of the Gospel. That you are incapable of meeting His Holy standard, He is pointing you back to the cross. It is Him. He wants you to cling closer to Christ, to love Him more than ever, and not trust in your own merit.
Since, if you were to have obeyed, God knows that that might not have been what is best for your heart.....perhaps you would (not verbally) but internally boost up your heart in self righteousness and the cross wouldn't be the focal point of your salvation? Who knows but God.
He lets His children fail to obey (go on a skid) with the end in mind that they will run to Him for mercy." BAM - God manifests His Glory in His mercy toward His beloved children.


Her heart seemed to receive the doctrine as it made sense to her in her circumstances......but shortly after that, in a discussion about God's control over evil, the question of all questions "well, are you saying that God ordains the molesting of little children?"
This question is hard because it seems insensitive to answer with sensitivity.....but "yes."
God is not after our temporal joy in having a life here and now free from sin......and if He is after our highest joys....than redemption from sin and forgiveness in light of the Gospel are more the question than the purposes of human wickedness.
Joseph's brothers sold him into slavery.........which ended up being means of the preservation of Israel. Gen 50:20 "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today."

God ordains evil.......for the ultimate good.....
The word "meant" in greek means "purpose, end, goal"
God is not responsible for our sin, we are....Human responsibility is a true doctrine.
God is the giver of the ability to obey....again, a true doctrine.

I choose to live with the beautiful tension of these truths......it's not either/or it's both/and -
And let me tell you - going to bed at night - I sleep like a Calvinist. :)

I love conversations about this very controversial topic.........

Wellp.....up out for now......and perhaps the next 10 days. Heh....not sure that I'll have Internet in Costa Rica.

Love in Christ,
jen2

Sickness and the Sovereignty of God

Psalm 41:1-4
"How blessed is he who considers the helpless;
The LORD will deliver him in a day of trouble.
The LORD will protect him and keep him alive,
And he shall be called blessed upon the earth;
And not give him over to the desire of his enemies.
The LORD will sustain him upon his sickbed;
In his illness, You restore him to health.

As for me, I said, "O LORD, be gracious to me;
Heal my soul, for I have sinned against You."

Being sick but perhaps once a year isn't enough...it's good for the soul if you let it slow you down.
In the midst of my wrestlings, I haven't found the time to just be still.........whether it is myself keeping myself busy with my 'to-do list' or doing what others expect of me.....
It is a blessed thing to land on your face with illness......since that is the right frame and posture of one desperately sick with sin, you are enabled to seek the physican of your soul without any distraction.
You can't work because people at work don't want to catch what you're throwin,
You can't go out and have 'fun' cuz.....um...it hurts to breathe cold air when your throat hurts - You have to cancel plans with friends.......and let chores wait.
Nothing tastes as good, nothing smells as good, feels as good - and the cares of this life that matter SO MUCH when you're well.......just don't matter at all.

IT IS A BLESSING......and perhaps a discipline....
If I'm reading the verse above correctly.
To the ones who regard the helpless, God promises to do and be for them all of those powerful things: to deliver him in the day of trouble, to protect him and keep him alive, to NOT give him over to the desires of his enemies (the greatest enemy of believers is not human, it's Satan)
To sustain him on his sickbed and to restore him to health.

The psalmist speaks all of those things of God's character so affirmatively, and then says, "As for me, I need grace, for I have sinned against you, please heal me"
which I would naturally think means that the psalmist didn't regard the helpless, and is asking for forgiveness and grace and mercy in spite of their failures to do what pleases the Father.
It is a plea to God.....and one would have to know the Father's character and trust His lovingkindness to even dare to approach when they have disobeyed the commands.

By Christ we come Lord, and we know that you shall not turn us away, and that you love us for the sake of Your Name - our only Hope.

Heading to my couch soon Lord willing,
Jen2

Though a wife, I'm still a sheep.

Ez 34:1-24
"The word of the LORD came to me: "Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel; prophesy, and say to them, even to the shepherds, Thus says the Lord GOD: Ah, shepherds of Israel who have been feeding yourselves! Should not shepherds feed the sheep? You eat the fat, you clothe yourselves with the wool, you slaughter the fat ones, but you do not feed the sheep. The weak you have not strengthened, the sick you have not healed, the injured you have not bound up, the strayed you have not brought back, the lost you have not sought, and with force and harshness you have ruled them. So they were scattered, because there was no shepherd, and they became food for all the wild beasts. My sheep were scattered; they wandered over all the mountains and on every high hill. My sheep were scattered over all the face of the earth, with none to search or seek for them.
"Therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD: As I live, declares the Lord GOD, surely because my sheep have become a prey, and my sheep have become food for all the wild beasts, since there was no shepherd, and because my shepherds have not searched for my sheep, but the shepherds have fed themselves, and have not fed my sheep, therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD: Thus says the Lord GOD, Behold, I am against the shepherds, and I will require my sheep at their hand and put a stop to their feeding the sheep. No longer shall the shepherds feed themselves. I will rescue my sheep from their mouths, that they may not be food for them.
The Lord GOD Will Seek Them Out "For thus says the Lord GOD: Behold, I, I myself will search for my sheep and will seek them out. As a shepherd seeks out his flock when he is among his sheep that have been scattered, so will I seek out my sheep, and I will rescue them from all places where they have been scattered on a day of clouds and thick darkness. And I will bring them out from the peoples and gather them from the countries, and will bring them into their own land. And I will feed them on the mountains of Israel, by the ravines, and in all the inhabited places of the country. I will feed them with good pasture, and on the mountain heights of Israel shall be their grazing land. There they shall lie down in good grazing land, and on rich pasture they shall feed on the mountains of Israel. I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep, and I myself will make them lie down, declares the Lord GOD. I will seek the lost, and I will bring back the strayed, and I will bind up the injured, and I will strengthen the weak, and the fat and the strong I will destroy. I will feed them in justice.
"As for you, my flock, thus says the Lord GOD: Behold, I judge between sheep and sheep, between rams and male goats. Is it not enough for you to feed on the good pasture, that you must tread down with your feet the rest of your pasture; and to drink of clear water, that you must muddy the rest of the water with your feet? And must my sheep eat what you have trodden with your feet, and drink what you have muddied with your feet?
"Therefore, thus says the Lord GOD to them: Behold, I, I myself will judge between the fat sheep and the lean sheep. Because you push with side and shoulder, and thrust at all the weak with your horns, till you have scattered them abroad, I will rescue my flock; they shall no longer be a prey. And I will judge between sheep and sheep. And I will set up over them one shepherd, my servant David, and he shall feed them: he shall feed them and be their shepherd. And I, the LORD, will be their God, and my servant David shall be prince among them. I am the LORD; I have spoken."

What a precious, beautiful picture. ~~~~~~~~~

I've always loved being a sheep......and yes, I know that they are foolish animals. I just love the thought of being a sheep with a big smile on my face skipping and singing as I follow behind Jesus....just knowing that I am safe and loved. He is patient with me beyond human capacity......always seeking me when I run, even in my running away because I'm hurting over not feeling worthy enough to be following Him with all the other sheep. Sure, it's sin....to have a pity party I mean.....but He always comes and scoops up my stupid broken little heart and tells me that all is NOT lost and that He will put the pieces back together with me. He helps me sort through it, how ever long it takes, all the while, gently convicting me by His steadfast love.
His love for his sheep has a power that breaks through the hardest of hearts when it is seen and known in the perseverence - it's magnitude is unspeakable.

Perhaps the trials that I'm finding myself in lately, in which I've found no comfort nor compassion from beloved brothers and sisters, but only somewhat harsh and open rubuke.....is meant to bombard my heart to change how I myself meet with a broken hearted sinner.
Surely, someone who is broken and struggling with something does not need to be smacked upside the head with the LAW and told that even their struggle with sin is sin, but to be reminded of the tenderness and supernatural love of the Good Shepherd....
Praise God that there is forgiveness for the failures of men and that I know that the Lord is Sovereign even over the lack of compassion and help and comfort given............and that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt - that He is using this grief to mold MY heart - to get me desperate for Him alone, who perfectly loves.
After all, I've begged the Lord SO many times for Him to shape me into a loving and compassionate friend, wife and especially - a mother. (one day)
My own mother was an unbeliever, harsh and unfeeling and never comforted me when I was crying........(Her mother was the same with her).........and my plea to God has been that I would break this cycle for the next generation, and love and lead and nurture my children, telling them the truth, and grieving with them, and most of all - demonstrating the kind of love that Christ has shown to me. It seems that I'm feeling what I desire to prevent, without this experience, I don't think that I would know how NOT to approach a broken hearted sinner.

Knowing when and how to speak truth is just as important as being bold enough to speak truth. This is a huge theme in Proverbs, and anyone who knows me, knows that oftentimes I've been so black and white about a sin issue and pressed down on that without so much as a thought to weep with those who weep. This trial is a precious gift from God.
To my dearest friends who have suffered through my lack of compassion when you needed it most, I am so terribly sorry.

Praise the Lord for the trials we meet with, they are an answer to the prayer of Jesus, that we would be sanctified.

Love from the repair shop,
Jennifer