Trembling words

So, I can't sleep.....

I started writing this at 11pm Wednesday night...who knows when it'll get done....but I cannot get these thoughts out of my head lately.

My husband has been reading a book called The War of Words by Paul Tripp.....with much profit.

He shares the truth from the texts brought up in that book with me just as a "hey, I'm learning this" type thing.....but the effects are much more potent than he realizes.

The power of the tongue is huge..and I see the negative side so much more clearly lately that i have less and less to say......mostly because of the deadly poison I see coming out of my own mouth.  Talking of things that I should not, and rude and self seeking words to my husband when he's trying to talk rationally with me.  My heart is just broken.  I have  nothing to say for myself....and the questions that come lately (if I don't try to numb them away) are something like "am I really a believer?"

To fail this much in my heart and to claim that it is regenerate seems peculiar.  I almost don't even like people talking to me as if I AM a believer.....because I am not yet convinced that I am.

But lo and behold, by the mercy and kindness of God....my younger brother, saved just 5 months after I was 8 years ago, is going through a very similar stage of the faith.

It seems as though God is kicking me out of the nest a bit by removing some of His enabling graces to do and think and rejoice in righteousness....sort of giving me a glimpse of what I am without Him.....I tend to agree with my brother - that one of the main reasons that God lets believers fail is to remind them that their righteousness is an alien righteousness.  Sure, we wear it, it is our only hope, but it has never been OF US.  All that comes from us is hate and greed and self exaltation and wickedness. 

I also think that the Father does this to me so that I would read the promises such as "you will find me when you seek me jennifer, if you seek me with your whole heart"

with great encouragement.

No more crying as loud as I can until daddy comes and pick me up and scolds the ones who were picking on me.  It's time to grow up a bit, to let my roots go deep down in the soil of the word that I would not be blown over by these trials of this temporary life.

DOING the word is much much much different than I thought.  I love to learn doctrine and I think that it is very necessary....VERY.......it is a foundation to acting rightly, since how can you have discernment of right and wrong - based on nothing?

sigh.  that's a whole other blog topic for you doctrine haters out there.....I hope to convince you that knowledge is precious......but MORE than that - to convince those who are too knowledgeable for their own good that DOING the word from the heart - with the love of Christ........is much more precious than knowing so much.  Sadly, i have met many people that emphasis TOO much one point and belittle the other......they are either 'relationships' or 'doctrine' people.  Agh.....enough rambling...I'm sleepy.

As my husband has taught me when we pray - trials? I welcome them, they are for my good, and though I am still weary.........I thank God for Jesus.

Grace for help in time of need, and mercy - sheer mercy to not be crushed for our sin like we deserve.

Here we go. Year 8. 

By His grace I've come thus far, and by grace alone, i will get home.

In Christ Jesus, 

jen2